And once, as a child, I said, I’m
NOT a doll baby
I’m Malini Basu.
An oft-told story,
Repeated at dinner parties.
Precocious me in my father’s
Arms; aunties gathered
To pull my cheeks.
Myself, indignant
At being compared to a plaything.
Them, confused at how
My father’s dark complexion skipped
A generation.
And while at New Market,
I laughed, These clueless
FOREIGNERS making fools
Of themselves
But then looked down at
My own body,
Having forgotten for a
Second that I
Looked just as
Out of place as they.
My illusion of Belonging
splintered.
And from classmates
I heard, You look
Like a TOURIST
When I wore my
Neighbor’s salwar to school
on Independence Day.
My outfit a mirror to
Those of hippy backpackers
on Park Street –
A costume.
My 18 years of
Lived experience merely
Performative.
And I looked out the window
And thought, The city is
Quiet tonight.
Realising that I had never
Embraced it
as home.
Never claiming it as
My city; in fear of
Dismissal.
My answer to the inevitable,
Where are you from?
A shrug.
This garment is a physical manifestation of the continuous performance that I participate in as a half Bengali, half American individual; a testament to the code-switching familiar to so many mixed kids. I sought to create a piece that would reflect the different facades, subtle switches and different energies that one brings to each environment. And what better way to evoke performance than a costume?
However, despite the physicality of the final piece, I put a large part of my attention and care in the process of reflecting and connecting pieces of my past. I gave myself the freedom to wonder, sketch and free-write for months before even beginning the process of cutting fabric or printing. I wanted the process of making this piece to help me mesh different questions I had floating in my mind and allow them to settle naturally, valuing the clarity I gained over the finished outcome. Thus the final legibility of text and images printed on the fabric is not a priority of mine.
The design of the garment itself suggests layers in and peepholes between identities. A frontal facade allows viewers to peek through to the layers beneath, and the three pieces can be mixed and matched to create alternate variations. Inspired by the deepsea decorator crab that pulls pebbles and shells from its surroundings to camouflage itself, I sewed miscellaneous found objects onto the fabric to suggest a similar behavior. Elements of a sari, sari blouse and salwar kameez have been incorporated into the different garment shapes but are a reminiscence rather than a replication of the original attire. Furthermore, I deviate from the bright colors and natural fabrics favored by producers and consumers of traditional Indian wear. Rather I gravitated towards a more muted palette more suited to my personal taste and bought readily available synthetic fabric that only mimics a khadi-like texture. This bastardization is an intentional mirroring of how I often feel navigating different cultures and social groups.
